October 26, 2007

An Athlete’s Mourning…

What am I going to do, as the pain enters under my skin?
What shall I feel, aside from the sense of chaos within?
How should I go about dealing, when I have not a clue?
Knowing my season or even career might be through…

Turning to my coaches and staff for approval
In discarding my negative emotions necessary for removal,
Needing comfort from those that coach ball and aid life…
Yet here remains the burden of my pain and tears I’ve cried…

So, I turn to my teammates, but how will they understand?
They can practice, they can play, but I can’t…
Head to toe tingling ranging from frustration to actual pain,
No one other, but no other… than myself to blame.

Because some say, “Go hard or go home!”
Well here I am in my thoughts I roam,
Because I did just that… went hard.
Now thinking of how it all happened, not getting too far…

But that does not even matter anymore,
I HATE this part of ball, “cannot do this no more”,
But…(sigh) …what then will be of me?
My life after this sudden injury…Questions race and stumble with “Does this mean surgery?”

Tired of asking questions and being asked.
I just do away with this metaphoric mask
That attempts to appear okay with the card that has been dealt,
This is my agony over injury, heartfelt.

Difficult to soak in when this sport becomes life,
It becomes habit to turn struggles to strife,
But this is my reality of an injured athlete…
The promise of trials and physical, sometimes even mental…defeat.

I have had my share of injuries all along my years of athletics. So the feeling of losing a sense of self when an injury takes place has become an uninvited familiarity. Currently, I am healthy and without injury, but I humbly speak on behalf of those student-athletes currently injured and possibly facing season or career ending injuries. Getting injured is a harsh reality of being an athlete. Furthermore, it often appears to be the end of the world, when so frequently being an athlete is what I associate myself with most of the time. There are so many factors that play into the mentality prior to an injury that effect the dealing process following the event of an injury. It has been in my experience that my mere desire to be the best on the field would counter any injury I have because expressing pain would give my enemy edge above me. My question to that arose once the person I was playing mind games with was no longer my opponent, but myself; therefore, how do I deal with the injury now? During competition I am used to denial, denial, denial so that I may finish the game. When a doctor rids me of my denial, then I become unfamiliar on how to cope with my pain, let alone my emotions.

Once an athlete is injured, a part of them becomes disposable to the team, and in matter of moments following shock, it is merely business to find a replacement. For any starter, that demotion creates mental chaos. When a non-starter is injured, the sense of “what else can go wrong?” or “why now?” occurs as his or her shot to play is further pushed back then desired. For athletes able to pursue a professional career and news alerts them that their dream is over, or far from being achieved, can shatter any hopes for their future. When so much time is invested in our future of good health and accolades, we tend to lack preparation for the upsets of injury and bad news, we fall into desperation. Any change in what has been consistent will raise questions, doubts, and frustrations. That is normal. Feeling upset, emotional, even depressed is normal. Unfortunately, as athletes, it is in our very nature to never be satisfied, and hard work will pay off. My heart goes out to those that have put countless hours towards their sport and physical rehabilitation in hopes to recall a doctor’s decision; still the end result is as predicted, and playing their sport is no longer in their control. My heart goes out to you in your loss and in your Mourning of an Athlete’s dream and comfortable sense of self.

-Kristie