April 7, 2008

Part I. My personal reality as a student-athlete

I have thought about writing this piece since the moment I wanted to do this student-athlete journal. This possibly was the sole driving force to write these journals, so that possibly one day before I graduated I might share my story that not all who know me even knew about. Even now, although countless times I have thought of what I would like to write so simply use to flow freely in my mind, yet all of a sudden in front of a screen, emotions pass throughout my body questioning the right way to say things; or that by my meticulous beyond an analytical perfectionist nature that I aimlessly fail at, realize there is no easy free flowing way to write this.

In my first journal article I wrote that my job or my contribution to my final year is to write the lifestyle of a student-athlete and all that it may entail. Although previous entries are also real and genuine and what I am feeling at the time, this specific article is what captured me at the age of 13 and has continued in every day life that exists in more than student-athletes…

One year and some days I found myself indifferent and separated from all those around me. A sense of foreign emotions hindered over me across seasons that did not become apparent to me as vibrant as it did at the end of winter ‘06 and the beginning of spring ‘07.

For the first time I found myself to be in deeper than I could ever help myself out of without anyone’s help and struggled to the point where the odds were not in my favor for climbing out of a hole, better yet a water well that not too many pass by and notice.

This is the best way that I can describe that experience of emotions and events…

Me…
With the pressures to fit in
And desires to be thin,
I purged my weight away
Each and every day.
During practice throughout season
Clearly for no specific reason
Felt like the only way
To throw it away,
More like throw it up
Not willing to give up…
My secret life, stayed a secret
Till the point of regret pass treatment
Got in too deep,
Even Lost sleep… over it.
Lost weight and lost a sense of me
To the point I could not recognize who I would see
Not in the mirror or the clothes I wore out
Not in the weight room or in friends’ minds who passed doubt
In denial I made it justifiable
When asked by others I continued in their denial
Hurried to bathrooms and showers to cry
Not willing to get help, rather die
And still I lived… two lives,
The peer educator and closet bulimic
The depressed over stressed
Panicked desiring havoc
Under-eater power hitter
D-1 student- athlete gone weak
More than that I was, but did not see
Being bulimic and depressed captured me…

I’m not alone then nor am I now,
Not the only bulimic in sports or in the university.
Yet somehow…
There are moments it fades in-and-out of reality for me…

A year later I stand…when I never thought I could without a hand.
A year later I live... when I never thought I could forgive...
Myself but I have.

This is my conclusion for this Part I. “My personal reality as a student-athlete”:

I could not be where I am now if it was not for the support of my family, my athletic trainers, my softball coaches, and closest friends. Beyond that and in matters like this I could by no means have attempted my recovery alone.

My advise for anyone, young or older than I, including student-athletes, is seek help even if there is only a small feeling within you that something is not right. Go to counseling, seek treatment, and find a good support group.

But first and foremost, please do not let your secret stay a secret another single day, get help now before it gets too deep and beyond a sense of treatment as I falsely felt. You are never in this alone, although you may think it. Eating disorders or disordered eating, and depression are not easy subjects to talk about and even harder to seek treatment for, but please try.

This captures more than student-athletes, it captures you regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality, culture, profession, Greek organization, Sports organizations, and age. Disordered eating can be treated, I may not be thinner as I was, but I am living and living healthy.

Here is some information that might be useful and there are plenty more that are available to you or someone that you may know who has a problem that can be viewed online…

Counseling Center
Veitch Student Center
North Wing
University of California, Riverside
Riverside, CA 92521-0320
Phone: (951) 827-5531
Fax: (951) 827-2015

National Suicide Helpline
(800)SUICIDe
(800) 784-2433

Loma Linda University Behavioral Medicine Center
1710 Barton Road
Redlands, CA 92373
(800) 752-5999
(909) 558-9275.

~Kristie